Sem 2 starts.. *groan*

It's a brand new semester. Everyone's pumped. I'm not. Who knows what the world's going to throw at you? Could be a cake, could be a rock. I'm not going to get my hopes up this time. Oh, I'm excited alright. Who wouldn't be? It's a new semester. I just won't get TOO excited. Not going to expect too much from the world. Instead, this time I'll expect a little more from myself. 

I am twenty years old. I need to do something that I've never done before. Not for anyone, not to please anyone but myself. I have to prove to myself that I can do it if I have the will power and to give myself more rewarding goals to achieve, meanwhile learning something from the struggle. I can't believe I just thought about this. It was like my life before was not really well-lived or something. :P

So here's what I've been wanting to do: (more to come, I'm sure)

- start and finish a book (that's writing one, of course)

- bake a cake or something and share it with someone

- go watch a live sports (any would do)

- improve my writing skills (how? hmm.. by reading more articles and stuff?)

- make a timetable of some sort and stick to it (hey, an organised person are always more productive... So they say ;P)

- be sure to say something positive/encouraging/loving to everyone everyday

- be sure to study and do some revision every night (if not at any other times)

- get a decent part time job (perfect your resume before applying :D)

- manage finances wisely (ALWAYS keep track of the expenses)

- set a target grade to achieve for each unit of study 

- go travelling/backpacking/camping with a bunch of mates

- go volunteer in some national parks of Africa (definitely doing this *_*)

- go get some idea of what real veterinarians do (I am sad to say I haven't really seen much of their routine) and if possible, work at a vet hospital (I am a vet to be, after all!)

- when I settle down (ambiguous term I know but hey who knows), I want a pet dog, cat, parrot, turtle, guinea pig, hamster, snake (non-venomous and not aggressive) and a rabbit :DDD (or at least some of them ^^) 

- Star gazing in the country with a SO (or SO's?) :P 

- BE HAPPY!

Alright, that should be it for now. Sounded more like a resolution xD But the point is, I guess, to always have a goal and work hard towards achieving it so that it gives living a good purpose. :DD

I guess that's my bucket list right there ;P I'll add more to it soon. I know I will. :D

Because you only live once, people. 

Life in Oz

Oh my dog.. It's my blog.. I'm back to blogger! And this time I have my own laptop! Let's see how long can I keep this up before I actually forget about this again. I am so not a routine person. I just loved writing blogs and diaries because you could always write everything and anything here that you just couldn't share and tell it to anyone else. And because no one really bothers to read someone else's blogs -unless they write it really good- I really enjoyed typing all my concerns and troubles and doubts out. Even though this really doesn't solves anything, but at least I found a place to pour everything out. Happy or unhappy. With that, welcome to a new era of my blogging days.

So, this is my 3rd month in Aussie. I have only managed to visit some of the places in Sydney such as the Darling Harbour, The Rocks and the famous Opera House. And of course my university. Everything's going fine here, with the exception of some occasional misunderstandings (or was it just me?) arising because I can't converse well in English and because I can't put to good use all the vocabularies I've learnt in my 20 years of life. Let me tell you, unable to express yourself to the others is the most annoying thing ever. And then there's the entirely different culture and thinking part. Ugh, I hate arguing. Even when it's for the best of someone. Haha, not. I used to argue with anyone -anyone at all- when I don't think like they do. It's fun, and sometimes it helps you to think out of the box. But that was me arguing in my mother tongue. The language I grew up using it to argue with people. And I do it with style too (LoL). But it's so different here. Sometimes I don't even feel like talking, because I feel it'll just make me look stupider. I'm still learning, and one day I'll be able to argue and crack jokes just like I used to do it in my first language. I'm progressing.

That was my social part. Economically, I should think that I am still coping pretty well over here. Even though the exchange rate increased again. T^T Stop it already, my dad's not an expatriate anymore and I don't have enough savings in my account. What I spent is mostly on the groceries and sundries, just the necessities. Can't afford to eat out even for once a week. Thus you can imagine that my menu will vary only slightly. I mean, at least I'm cooking right? What do you expect for a student living by herself to cook? A different menu everyday? I'd rather spend that time chilling! xD Because I need that. Chilling and relaxing, I mean. Being a veterinarian isn't that easy, you know. Especially when there is a certain grade that you will have to achieve before you can actually start doing the vet course. Plus there are a whole lot of people trying really hard to get into the course from the other relevant courses. Which, is really annoying. I think most of us secretly see each other in the other courses as rivals. The point is that, I have to work really hard -like extra hard- to stay in the course. The first two years are really crucial. They assess us based on these two years and if we don't get 75% and above, it's bye bye for you now. You get to go to the Bachelor of Animal Veterinary Bioscience, which I'm not saying is a bad course but it's kind of not what I imagined I wanted to be. I wanted to practice in a clinic and be able to help pets and their owners. So I am going to get into the vet course no matter what. (Unless I really can't stand blood or I can't dissect D:) But I am going to do my best to stay in the game. No one's taking away my dream. Not when I've gone this far to achieve it.

Oops, looks like I've put my studies part in that economics paragraph. Oh well, I'm not submitting this as my report now so I don't think it matters. Oh it's soooo good to have your own laptop and typing everything up. Being able to type fast is one good skill to have. ^^ I think some part time jobs requires people to that typed really fast. That's for keying data of some sort, I believe.

Life in Aussie alone. First time being abroad alone. Stepping into a university for the first time. Alone. Walking home alone. Being in the room alone. Sleeping alone. Sounds reaaaally scary and daunting at first, but now I think I'm pretty much used to it. I can live with it. And then there's always my families and friends occasionally checking up on me. Those times are nice too. And of course meeting new people, being friends with them, all these is always exciting. I would have to end this post now by saying thank God for bringing me here and giving me such wonderful opportunities. And also thank you for all the amazing people and annoying people I've met over all these years. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for them. God bless my loved ones. Love the world. Love my life. Goodnight, world. I'm gonna continue to study in my bed now, until I fall asleep. ;D

让我忘了你是谁。

告诉自己，如果我肯放下，好好段练自己的话，以后机会多得是。只要我肯做，没什是不可能的。总有一天，你的名字、姓氏，会变成一个我记得却又不想记住的往事。曾要自己一忍再忍，因为像许多爱情故事一样，美好的爱情总是没那么简单得到。当时的决心，蒙蔽自己双眼。其实根本不能把故事与现实相比。得到又怎么样，失去真的会很痛苦？再想想，只要现在肯做，应该未为迟。所以，请赐予我力量，让我有能力，把该做的事办好，把不该做的事放下。不该忘了，这一切其实都不属于你我。

我很想有人懂.. 很想很想，有一次，有人能真的了解... 我知道，根本不可能.. 但是，我很在乎你.. 你懂不懂？ 有吃得饱吗？有没有开心？虽然不曾说，但还真希望你都感受到..这份眷恋.. 大概，都会说不可能吧？习惯，就好。太多的可能，变成的，只会是永远不可能而已。奢望没多大..只是真的很想看见你的快乐，分享你的怒哀.. 原来！原来他们都说谎！说时间久了，便能渐渐遗忘..但原来时间让我栽的更深..已经不想再去想别的什么...只妄想时间能永远永远停止。在看见你的那个时刻... 我知道我并不寂寞,但是不知道为什..想到你，觉得很寂寞.. 原来已经想要逃避，逃避自己的感情。没人能谈心的我，除了半夜痛哭一场，真的很不知要怎么做了..明白，不是你的错，你也没什么务必要关心我.. 但有时候，有一些时候，这些无心的，很正常的举动，伤了我很多很多.. 本以为，自己有多强...可是在你面前，我只能掩饰自己的真情感。因为不想你为难.. 所以有时候乱想，如果有一天，能像戏里的角色一样，丢下你自个儿出走，有多好..因为，已永远不必担心，是否再见到你后，又无法入睡，无法自拔。

Everyone knows about me, but no one truly knows me

Back to writing again.. I wished there was more that I can do to get my mind of things that have been bothering me. But I guess it would be weird if I don't have any troubles afterall, I'm one troublesome girl. Had to keep writing to myself to keep me from thinking bad and sad stuff to myself. It is most sad when everyone knows about you, and yet none knows you. It's like I'm me. And that's it. Everything stops there. What I do, they care of course. But what I feel? They don't go too deep thinking about that. And I don't really blame them. I mean, what the heck, everyone has their problems and troubles. Who the heck would go so far into wanting to know about your troubles? Professionals I guess. But even that they do it just for the sake of what they have to do. It's their job okay. If I were them I would rather not having to know what a growing adult is thinking. Cos they say they're difficult. Growing adults, that is. And I'm beginning to think that I am, difficult. They say those who seems cheerful has the saddest secrets. And yes, I do have them too. So what? It's not like telling anyone any of it would make me feel a lot better. Because let me tell you, at first they cared. They listen. They try to help. But then things go on for too long, happened for too many a times, they ditch you too. You're just another troubled teenager with attitude problems and all. If this was why there were so many social issues arising, I could relate. I could really relate. Because sometimes, some crazy, unbearable times, I would just want to do every crap I could think of. Just to show that how nice and good I've been all these time and no one give a damn. While sometimes I wanted to walk out of the door and walk and walk away far far away from home, thinking of nothing else but the blue sky and then walk a long way back home, realising how I'd also had happiness a long time ago. Everyone has their own feelings cooped up inside for too long. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to spend digging it all out. But then, a sadder of me makes me a thinker. And when you're sad, I don't think you could think of any happier thoughts. And so sadness eats me up. Sharing me with its friends : loneliness, guilt and fear. You would think there's bound to be a happy ending to this. But the truth is, there isn't. So long as there's a part of your memories that are kept away because it is too tearful, the feelings would always be like a cycle. Starts when you're sad, and only minimising when you're happier.

Too early to let go.....or is it too late?

Can't type Chinese words.. Don't know why.. Woke up too early today.. Wat the... Something's on my mind..as it always have been. It's been two years. Two years since we've met. I never knew, but there was something right at the beginning. You may or may not know. Other people may or may not know that too.. But what does it matter? It wouldn't change a thing. It wouldn't change the fact, it wont change the past, it couldn't change the present and it can't change how the heart is feeling at the very moment while thinking about you. I did wonder sometimes what is God's will. Did He just wanted me to love without needing to possess it, or did He wanted me to learn to let go. To see that the four-letter word isn't as beautiful, pure and innocent as it seems.. Much more complicated, even..

But I tried to give up.. I really did. I sang myself songs that could make me forget you. Cried and told myself  to forget and let go on endless night. But what good will all that do? The moment your message or you call comes in, I have to reply. Have to. And want to. Maybe I decided deep down in my heart, that I won't ever give up something I so have faith I that easily. Faith? What faith do I have? It's ironic how when you should have faith, you lose it and when you shouldn't have faith on something, that's when you believe the most. People just like to choose to believe. And I don't know why I would choose to believe and wait for something that I know will never happen. Perhaps there's still too much naivity in me.. Or it's simply because I just want hold on the thought that he will always be there for me? No, I want to hold on the thought that I will always be there for him even more. To prove what I do not know. There's nothing to prove. There's no 'til Death do us part'. Because we are apart. And not by someone either. There would always be something in between because we are not supposed to be. But somehow I hold on. Maybe it's because you gave me some courage too. But why do so when you know there is never ever going to be a forever between us? Thanks for caring, thanks for sharing and thanks from the bottom of my heart, for loving. I appreciate love, in whatever form. To me it's the best thing God has created because it lights up a whole world of someone with joy and hope. If ever I had to give you up, it's only because there's no more way that I could ever loved you more. So I'll just keep you safely away in a small corner of my heart, together with the memories, the sweet and bitter, and all that I think of when I think of you- You.

寂寞，好了

我想，我不是不让人接近我。只是，每当我认为可以放心去信任的时候，才又发现，原来自己一直以来，都是一个人。不管在当时，有多谈得来。到最后，还是只有我自己和寂寞聊天。到了什么时候，我能有一个，能真正和我谈心、分享我喜怒哀乐的知己啊? 因为到现在的我，都只能自己对自己谈天、诉说、聆听，然后告诉自己：哭泣，没有错，是一种释放。再把棉被，当肩膀，大哭一场。哭完以后，又安慰自己，没事的，哭过了，就会笑了。只有在对着自己的时候，我才能放下仿备的哭。为一切东西哭。想到什么，就为什么哭。但这之后，洗把脸，把自己武装后，再次用微笑、坚强、自信满满的我面对世界。很变态。但这就是我。不管笑容多大，它的背后，一直深埋着一些什么。大概只是那种，没人肯理解的苦。心，很酸；佯装的微笑，更酸。我，渐渐习惯，寂寞，好了。