Everyone knows about me, but no one truly knows me

Back to writing again.. I wished there was more that I can do to get my mind of things that have been bothering me. But I guess it would be weird if I don't have any troubles afterall, I'm one troublesome girl. Had to keep writing to myself to keep me from thinking bad and sad stuff to myself. It is most sad when everyone knows about you, and yet none knows you. It's like I'm me. And that's it. Everything stops there. What I do, they care of course. But what I feel? They don't go too deep thinking about that. And I don't really blame them. I mean, what the heck, everyone has their problems and troubles. Who the heck would go so far into wanting to know about your troubles? Professionals I guess. But even that they do it just for the sake of what they have to do. It's their job okay. If I were them I would rather not having to know what a growing adult is thinking. Cos they say they're difficult. Growing adults, that is. And I'm beginning to think that I am, difficult. They say those who seems cheerful has the saddest secrets. And yes, I do have them too. So what? It's not like telling anyone any of it would make me feel a lot better. Because let me tell you, at first they cared. They listen. They try to help. But then things go on for too long, happened for too many a times, they ditch you too. You're just another troubled teenager with attitude problems and all. If this was why there were so many social issues arising, I could relate. I could really relate. Because sometimes, some crazy, unbearable times, I would just want to do every crap I could think of. Just to show that how nice and good I've been all these time and no one give a damn. While sometimes I wanted to walk out of the door and walk and walk away far far away from home, thinking of nothing else but the blue sky and then walk a long way back home, realising how I'd also had happiness a long time ago. Everyone has their own feelings cooped up inside for too long. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to spend digging it all out. But then, a sadder of me makes me a thinker. And when you're sad, I don't think you could think of any happier thoughts. And so sadness eats me up. Sharing me with its friends : loneliness, guilt and fear. You would think there's bound to be a happy ending to this. But the truth is, there isn't. So long as there's a part of your memories that are kept away because it is too tearful, the feelings would always be like a cycle. Starts when you're sad, and only minimising when you're happier.

Too early to let go.....or is it too late?

Can't type Chinese words.. Don't know why.. Woke up too early today.. Wat the... Something's on my mind..as it always have been. It's been two years. Two years since we've met. I never knew, but there was something right at the beginning. You may or may not know. Other people may or may not know that too.. But what does it matter? It wouldn't change a thing. It wouldn't change the fact, it wont change the past, it couldn't change the present and it can't change how the heart is feeling at the very moment while thinking about you. I did wonder sometimes what is God's will. Did He just wanted me to love without needing to possess it, or did He wanted me to learn to let go. To see that the four-letter word isn't as beautiful, pure and innocent as it seems.. Much more complicated, even..

But I tried to give up.. I really did. I sang myself songs that could make me forget you. Cried and told myself  to forget and let go on endless night. But what good will all that do? The moment your message or you call comes in, I have to reply. Have to. And want to. Maybe I decided deep down in my heart, that I won't ever give up something I so have faith I that easily. Faith? What faith do I have? It's ironic how when you should have faith, you lose it and when you shouldn't have faith on something, that's when you believe the most. People just like to choose to believe. And I don't know why I would choose to believe and wait for something that I know will never happen. Perhaps there's still too much naivity in me.. Or it's simply because I just want hold on the thought that he will always be there for me? No, I want to hold on the thought that I will always be there for him even more. To prove what I do not know. There's nothing to prove. There's no 'til Death do us part'. Because we are apart. And not by someone either. There would always be something in between because we are not supposed to be. But somehow I hold on. Maybe it's because you gave me some courage too. But why do so when you know there is never ever going to be a forever between us? Thanks for caring, thanks for sharing and thanks from the bottom of my heart, for loving. I appreciate love, in whatever form. To me it's the best thing God has created because it lights up a whole world of someone with joy and hope. If ever I had to give you up, it's only because there's no more way that I could ever loved you more. So I'll just keep you safely away in a small corner of my heart, together with the memories, the sweet and bitter, and all that I think of when I think of you- You.

寂寞，好了

我想，我不是不让人接近我。只是，每当我认为可以放心去信任的时候，才又发现，原来自己一直以来，都是一个人。不管在当时，有多谈得来。到最后，还是只有我自己和寂寞聊天。到了什么时候，我能有一个，能真正和我谈心、分享我喜怒哀乐的知己啊? 因为到现在的我，都只能自己对自己谈天、诉说、聆听，然后告诉自己：哭泣，没有错，是一种释放。再把棉被，当肩膀，大哭一场。哭完以后，又安慰自己，没事的，哭过了，就会笑了。只有在对着自己的时候，我才能放下仿备的哭。为一切东西哭。想到什么，就为什么哭。但这之后，洗把脸，把自己武装后，再次用微笑、坚强、自信满满的我面对世界。很变态。但这就是我。不管笑容多大，它的背后，一直深埋着一些什么。大概只是那种，没人肯理解的苦。心，很酸；佯装的微笑，更酸。我，渐渐习惯，寂寞，好了。

好烦好烦!!

呜呜呜~为什么连想要读书都那么烦啊~ >.< 明明只是想读书，却还要考虑那么多、看得那么远啊。。。要命呐。。我真的还没想那么长远，不要逼我啦!T^T 头会痛。。呜呜。。 唉~谁说我不懂我要什么??只是我怕说了出来，不是怕被笑，而是怕被泼冷水。。。 我的梦想，虽然不比别人的荒唐，却也有几分难实现。或许说到底，是我对自己没信心吧~ >_< 从年头到现在，都在忙着找适合自己的课程、学院，但却忘了确定是不是自己理想的课程。也有很多很多东西得设想到。不能忽略掉任何一个细节。

就这样，我2012年的前三个月，在许多变化中渡过了。。。一下子酸、一下子甜，一下子苦，一下子辣。还差一味，我就尝尽五味人生了。你说要不要命??

总结论：2012年四分之一的时间，我，多了一大堆烦恼。

上班日记。。＞.＜

咋到!!!! 被两个小妖怪气死。。救命！！＞.＜撑不住了。。。 顽皮又不听话，我要吐血。骂、生气，真是自己受而已。唉~无奈啊~ 算了，也只是做多一个星期就没做了。。。快点过啦~~~

我们，还能再见吗? By: 吴若权

挺赞的一本小说。虽然是一本简短的言情小说，但作者透过男女主角所表达的，却远远超过我们所熟悉的爱情。每次在阅读小说的时候，总是有些字眼能够牵动心中的弦。找来了纸和笔，记下了那些一直藏在我们心底却还要别人点醒我们的一些话。人脑就是这样，太过于兴奋的时候会得意而忘形，非得经过挫折才懂什么叫煎熬。

小说里有好几句话给我留下深刻的印象。今天虽然忘了把书带出来，但还可以大略表达出作者想表达的。；）

＂握得太紧，失去得更多。＂夏宇乐对邓雨婷说。
＂那你只是轻轻地捏着咯?＂她问。
＂我连捏你都舍不得，我只是陪伴!＂他说，语气认真。

对呀，很多时候，不一定拥有了才能满足。要是你有了，反而觉得不满足，这时候你该怎样呢??

＂至爱的人离开了，但她没有埋怨，还反过来安慰别人。她真的很坚强。然而这种坚强的背后，要经过多少心酸才能学会? 我大概是还未经历那种感觉，才会还不够坚强。＂他领悟。

赞成。对我来说，真正说得上坚强的人，是面对种种困难，却不往后退半步的人。即时失败了，失望也只能当作是上人生里的一课。

又是新的一个星期了。。。

时间过得很快。3个月就快过去了。成绩也快出炉了。啊~~~~岁月真的不留人哪。。。最好趁自己还有心做某些事的时候，赶快去做!让自己的人生不留遗憾!当然，不是做不正当的事啦＞.＜ 只是觉得，有什么自己认为不能错过的机会就要好好把握。这样的话，就算表现得不怎么好，至少也曾经尝试过吧~ 土土土。。。怎么好像个老人在讲大道理啊?没办法。。一向理性的我，本来就是用这种眼光看待世俗。。xP 好自恋。。。＞.＜ 错!这只是我自己的基本原则。哈哈~~ 就像别人说的，人总要有活着的意义，才能活得开心。而我的生存意义全都是绕着我的原则走的。至少到现在为止，我都还没后悔过什么。：）