Everyone knows about me, but no one truly knows me

Back to writing again.. I wished there was more that I can do to get my mind of things that have been bothering me. But I guess it would be weird if I don't have any troubles afterall, I'm one troublesome girl. Had to keep writing to myself to keep me from thinking bad and sad stuff to myself. It is most sad when everyone knows about you, and yet none knows you. It's like I'm me. And that's it. Everything stops there. What I do, they care of course. But what I feel? They don't go too deep thinking about that. And I don't really blame them. I mean, what the heck, everyone has their problems and troubles. Who the heck would go so far into wanting to know about your troubles? Professionals I guess. But even that they do it just for the sake of what they have to do. It's their job okay. If I were them I would rather not having to know what a growing adult is thinking. Cos they say they're difficult. Growing adults, that is. And I'm beginning to think that I am, difficult. They say those who seems cheerful has the saddest secrets. And yes, I do have them too. So what? It's not like telling anyone any of it would make me feel a lot better. Because let me tell you, at first they cared. They listen. They try to help. But then things go on for too long, happened for too many a times, they ditch you too. You're just another troubled teenager with attitude problems and all. If this was why there were so many social issues arising, I could relate. I could really relate. Because sometimes, some crazy, unbearable times, I would just want to do every crap I could think of. Just to show that how nice and good I've been all these time and no one give a damn. While sometimes I wanted to walk out of the door and walk and walk away far far away from home, thinking of nothing else but the blue sky and then walk a long way back home, realising how I'd also had happiness a long time ago. Everyone has their own feelings cooped up inside for too long. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to spend digging it all out. But then, a sadder of me makes me a thinker. And when you're sad, I don't think you could think of any happier thoughts. And so sadness eats me up. Sharing me with its friends : loneliness, guilt and fear. You would think there's bound to be a happy ending to this. But the truth is, there isn't. So long as there's a part of your memories that are kept away because it is too tearful, the feelings would always be like a cycle. Starts when you're sad, and only minimising when you're happier.

Too early to let go.....or is it too late?

Can't type Chinese words.. Don't know why.. Woke up too early today.. Wat the... Something's on my mind..as it always have been. It's been two years. Two years since we've met. I never knew, but there was something right at the beginning. You may or may not know. Other people may or may not know that too.. But what does it matter? It wouldn't change a thing. It wouldn't change the fact, it wont change the past, it couldn't change the present and it can't change how the heart is feeling at the very moment while thinking about you. I did wonder sometimes what is God's will. Did He just wanted me to love without needing to possess it, or did He wanted me to learn to let go. To see that the four-letter word isn't as beautiful, pure and innocent as it seems.. Much more complicated, even..

But I tried to give up.. I really did. I sang myself songs that could make me forget you. Cried and told myself  to forget and let go on endless night. But what good will all that do? The moment your message or you call comes in, I have to reply. Have to. And want to. Maybe I decided deep down in my heart, that I won't ever give up something I so have faith I that easily. Faith? What faith do I have? It's ironic how when you should have faith, you lose it and when you shouldn't have faith on something, that's when you believe the most. People just like to choose to believe. And I don't know why I would choose to believe and wait for something that I know will never happen. Perhaps there's still too much naivity in me.. Or it's simply because I just want hold on the thought that he will always be there for me? No, I want to hold on the thought that I will always be there for him even more. To prove what I do not know. There's nothing to prove. There's no 'til Death do us part'. Because we are apart. And not by someone either. There would always be something in between because we are not supposed to be. But somehow I hold on. Maybe it's because you gave me some courage too. But why do so when you know there is never ever going to be a forever between us? Thanks for caring, thanks for sharing and thanks from the bottom of my heart, for loving. I appreciate love, in whatever form. To me it's the best thing God has created because it lights up a whole world of someone with joy and hope. If ever I had to give you up, it's only because there's no more way that I could ever loved you more. So I'll just keep you safely away in a small corner of my heart, together with the memories, the sweet and bitter, and all that I think of when I think of you- You.